Miscarriage: The third time around. Such pain…

by Ellen DuBois on 09/04/11

Debbie says:

I went to the ER for bleeding on Thursday evening (8/1/11) only to be told I was miscarrying and there was nothing that could be done. They didn’t break it to me gently or build-up to telling me. They just blurted out I was miscarrying. I was so devastated that all I could do was cry and weep gut-wrenchingly. I went home and miscarried the next morning in my shower. I was devastated at what I saw and devastated that it is my THIRD miscarriage. I feel so torn apart and my emotions feel so erratic. I feel like I will never be able to carry a healthy pregnancy and I often wonder if my age is to blame. I am 39 and want a child so badly. I feel like my world is ending and I will never be able to recover. My husband doesn’t want to even think about trying anymore for kids and I am unsure of anything right now. This adds even more stress and devastation. I wish I could just run away from all this and it would not follow. How do I recover emotionally and mentally? I know the physical will heal eventually. I can’t stop crying and I can’t sleep. Everytime I step into the shower to bath, I relive/envision the miscarriage. Please help me, how do I bear this burden alone? No one around me understands and seems to think I should be getting over this quickly. How could they ever understand unless they have experienced what I have experienced or gone through what I have gone through?? Please help….please.

Dear Debbie,

I am so sorry for your losses all three of them. The pain you must be feeling is probably consuming to the point where you don’t know which way is up anymore. I’ve been there and I wish you didn’t have to walk this path.There’s so much going on right now. You’re grieving the loss of your babies and are afraid of never becoming a mother. It’s scary and sad, and when you don’t have anyone to talk to, it can feel extremely isolating.I wish there were some ‘magic’ words I could say to make things easier. Sadly, there are not. What I can offer you is my heart, my ear, my understanding and say to you I understand how much you loved all three of your babies and how each loss hurt very deeply. You need some healing time, and I know you’re aware you’ll heal physically. It’s the emotional part you’re having trouble with and I can understand why. You’re grieving another loss. It’s terrible and although it hurts, grief is something you go through before you begin to heal emotionally. It doesn’t mean you’ll forget your babies. It means you must grieve all three of your losses.As for you and your husband, I don’t know where to go with this. I feel he doesn’t want to see you hurt anymore, but comes off as just ‘not wanting to try’ again. Maybe he is trying to protect you from pain. But, I’m not therapist and think that if the time is right and he is with you on this, it may be a good idea to talk it out with a counselor to find out where you’re both at. Are you on the same page? While I’m not equipped to answer that question, a counselor would be. Just wanted to toss that idea your way for when/if the time is right.You lost your precious baby in the shower. I would have difficulty not remembering, too. If I were you, I’d be filled with the pain of losing my baby, of my miscarriage, every time I stepped in the shower.  I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I would ask the angels to help me and for the white light of the spirit to protect me every time I got in the shower. I’d ask to be helped, for the feeling of safety and for strength. If this feels right to you, or some variation of it, I gently suggest you give it a try. God and the angels have not let me down, but we all believe in different things and I’m just letting you know what I do when I am very frightened or struggling with something. Your miscarriage was VERY traumatic. If talking to  a counselor isn’t ‘right’ for you and your husband, it may be right for YOU. Please give it some thought. There will come a time when you’ll know whether it’s the road you should travel or not.

One thing I’ve found helps those who have lost their child to miscarriage is some form of closure. It could be planting a tree, (you could plant one for all three of your babies), or writing a letter to them, setting three balloons into the air in their memory. It may be much too soon for this, but I know after years with no closure, I finally felt some when I released a balloon into the air for my son and read him a letter. Time will gently tell you if and when it’s right for you. Just follow your heart.

Right now, I feel the most important thing is you and your healing. Also, taking things one moment at a time. What your living has many layers: Your grief, possibly facing not having a child (by birth), and healing on all levels from the three losses you’ve endured. That’s a full plate, Debbie. All you can do is your best.

One day, one moment at a time. I am here to listen, to offer what I can. It may not seem like much, but know you are heard, your loss is validated and you are cared for more than you know.

I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to write any time.

Love and Light to you,
Ellen

For more information visit: http://www.miscarriagehelp.com/

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Filed under "things we don't talk about", letter, miscarriage, mother, parenting

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